Often we will listen to a conversation partner without really hearing them. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person – and even risk making them feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.
This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make them feel heard – a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a romantic partner) and for expressing support. It may also help facilitate constructive conversations across political, cultural, or other differences; however, studies have found that, when there’s a power imbalance between people of different groups, it’s more important for the person with less social power to give their perspective while the person with more social power listens and tried to take their perspective. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction.
Try this for 10 minutes at least once a week…
Find a quiet place where you can talk with a conversation partner without interruption or distractions. Invite this person to share what’s on their mind. As they do so, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.
Paraphrase
Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, try to paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention. Helpful ways to paraphrase include “What I hear you saying is…” , “It sounds like…”, and “If I understand you correctly…”
Ask Questions
When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. Instead, ask questions to clarify their meaning, such as, “When you say ______, do you mean ______?”
Express Empathy
If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why they feel that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself were you in that person’s position. You might respond, “I can sense that you are feeling frustrated,” and even “I can understand how that situation could cause frustration.”
Use engaging Body Language
You can shoe that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. Try to avoid attending to distractions in your enviornment or checking your phone. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.
Avoid Judgment
Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with countering arguments or mentally prepared a rebuttal while the other person is speaking.
Avoid Giving Advice
Problem-solving is likely to be more effective after both conversation partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard. Moving too quickly into advice-giving can be counterproductive.
Take Turns
After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask it it’s ok for you to share your perspective. When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (IE, “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help out around the house.”). It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person’s perspective (IE, “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging…”).
Active listening helps listeners better understand others’ perspective and help speakers feel more understood and less threatened. This technique can prevent miscommunication and spare hurt feelings on both sides. By improving communication and preventing arguments from escalating, active listening can make relationships more enduring and satisfying. Practicing active listening with someone close to you can also help you listen better when interacting with other people in your life, such as children, friends, or co-workers.
My Happy Ohm 